Greetings from the Land Of Nod

Quite literally, as there seems to be a Noddy video on every street corner, for some reason.

Anyhow, hello etc, I am sure you are all missing me terribly, as I can tell from all your crazed entries on the subject. So you haven't actually mentioned my absence - but you can't hide your Anguish from me. Trust me. I'm great at reading between the lines. I know you're all hiding in your homes weeping and trying to slash your wrists with disposable razors. So flattering.

Have been engaging in hordes of thrilling and tantalising activities (as well as being educated by Spice, the Thrilling History Book!!!!11) which are too thrilling to put down here, though they involve climbing into vast underground tunnels, eating unidentifiable wobbly pieces of (supposed) food and not throwing up until much later, and a strange man who kept on trying to start a conversation with me about spiders.

Indeed, my life does sound like the blurb from A Series Of Unfortunate Events, but with much more ice cream involved, making the tale considerably more pleasant and refreshing.

Some points I wish to make about China:

* Traffic lights. Chinese traffic regulations are, as Rowan Atkinson might or might not say, the greatest piece of fiction since the inclusion of fidelity in the French marriage vows. I have only seen 8 (functioning) traffic lights in all my time in China, and they were all concentrated in a small square of about 20m squared, apparently all governing the same stretch of road. I say 'functioning', but that is stretching the definition of the word a bit. They were all entirely either 1. contradictory 2. impossible to obey without killing someone or 3. switched off.

Any other traffic lights which I saw were not only non functioning but were discreetly pretending to be parts of fences and trees. Presumably the chinese police have the same attitude to traffic lights as the english have to speed cameras - the more discreet and unnoticeable the better. Well it's certainly a novel idea, that's for sure.

* Monks are funny. And their robes are very fetching, but I am sure that is not what they are thinking about when they stare into the middle distance like that. Then again, one can't be too sure. I often stare into the middle distance or adopt a position akin to Rodin's The Thinker, but I am almost always cogitating on cake, or the best colour to buy my new pair of shoes in. Then again, I suspect the monks may be on a higher plane of consciousness than I am. Still, it's best not to jump to conclusions.

* When you've kowtowed three times to three different Buddha statues, you've kowtowed to them all. Also surely the whole kowtowing thing to statues is a bit off, seeing as the whole point of Buddhism is not worship but enlightenment, which doesn't involve bowing at all (except in certain circumstances, which I won't go into, unless you want me to, which I doubt). Did it anyway, as my grandmother is a Fanatical Buddhist (again, something which boggled me, as I did not realise there could be such a thing, Buddhism being a religion whcih seems to specialise in smiling apathy - part of its great appeal to me, clearly) and wanted to make her happy. Imagined that if the Buddha were here and alive to see this now he would find this terribly amusing, so I did too.

* I am a size Extra Large in China. This amuses me more than I can possibly explain. Suffice to say, I have a very Poor Sense Of Humour. Did wonder briefly what foreigners and fat people would do in China. Possibly go naked - but have not seen any evidence for this, though am looking with possibly indecent eagerness.

* Their silly English words on clothing amuses me beyond words. I am now addicted to buying pants purely for their entertainment value. For chrissakes, they have 'girly girly girly!' and 'you are welcome' written on the front. *snorts!* oh god, how terribly, terribly funny. At the last count I have bought 20 pairs, and I think Iought to stop soon as my suitcase appears to be getting filled up with nothing but pants, but really the temptation is too Irresistible.

* I also found some underwear which consisted only of red string and three hideous large red flowers placed at strategic points around the body. Was oh so tempted to buy it, but was with my grandmother, and suspect that if Ihad shown any interest in it whatsoever, may have triggered some sort of heart attack, but didn't. Wish I had, though. Can't imagine where or indeed if I would ever wear it, but it was only $1.50 (this computer has no pound sign so this is the approximate value in dollars. How I suffer), and for such a small price Iwould have been entertained for life, or at least for the next half hour.

* also found some eggs which were called 'DQY', which I misread as 'DIY.' DIY eggs *snort!* The mind boggles.

I think I should sign off now, as my sister is clamouring for the computer. In other news, have also unwittingly eaten both donkey (in a sandwich, so slightly saner than just eating a hunk - or is it more deranged?) and also duck blood, and now am Scarred For Life (besides feeling more than slightly nauseous). Find myself longing for reassuring food that doesn't turn out to be some worrying part of some inedible animal on later association, like maybe mashed potato, or an apple. Though knowing my luck they'll turn out to be mashed fish eyeballs or something.

My sister actually likes fish eyeballs, by the way. I think I need Help.